The family scapegoat is one of the most painful and isolating roles an individual plays within their family system. This role is not chosen, but once targeted as the family’s scapegoat, it can be very difficult to be seen or talked about in any other light. This individual is singled out and blamed for problems within the family. Regardless of the true causes of these issues, the burden of dysfunction in the group is projected onto this one member, who can be a child, stepchild, sibling, or other family member. Often, the scapegoated individual is the one who speaks up against or rebels against persistent family dysfunction, abuse, or traumatic dynamics within the family system. However, others within the family identify them as the problem rather than seeing them as the hero or the courageous one who is speaking up. This reaction is especially true when the typical family coping pattern is to deny the truth, minimize and avoid conflict, or if they are the ones inflicting the pain resulting from their abuse or poor behaviors and choices.
Signs and Effects of Being the Family Scapegoat:
1. Consistent Blame:
Regardless of their level of involvement, scapegoats frequently find themselves placed on the receiving end of the blame for family problems, making them the easy target for the family’s resentments, frustrations, and shortcomings. Consistent blame is one of the most common characteristics of the family scapegoat experience. Blame is an unrelenting and pervasive pattern where the targeted individual is wrongfully held accountable for the family’s issues, disputes, and conflicts.
Effects of Blame on the Scapegoat:
Blame can be highly damaging and have a significant, long-lasting impact on the targeted individual, affecting their emotional, psychological, and social well-being, among other areas. The scapegoat often experiences overwhelming feelings of frustration, confusion, guilt, shame, emotional abandonment, and isolation. They may carry a heavy burden of responsibility for problems beyond their control and not initiated by them.
2. Isolation and Alienation:
Isolation and alienation represent the social and relational consequences of being unfairly targeted within the family unit. Isolation and alienation can be experienced as the silent treatment (stonewalling), being ignored for hours or days at a time, or not having grievances addressed, leaving one feeling emotionally abandoned. These forms of alienation and isolation leave the scapegoat feeling like an outsider. Scapegoats may be excluded from decisions, activities, or conversations, and they may become the topic of discussion among family members described as the ones who are problematic or troubled in some way.
Effects of Isolation and Alienation on the Scapegoat:
The effects of isolation and alienation can be profound, shaping the individual’s perception of themselves, their place within the family, and their capacity to build relationships. Additionally, being consistently ignored and not having one’s emotional and safety needs met may leave the individual feeling unworthy of love, which may seed the development of codependency and other mental health issues.
3. Negative Projections:
Family members tend to project their negative traits onto the scapegoat. As family members project their shortcomings onto the scapegoat, the individual may internalize these negative traits and start see themselves through the lens of the family’s misperceptions, even describing themselves with negative words used by others within the family. For example, a mother who acts selfishly toward her daughter may project this behavior onto her, calling her selfish and self-centered, which in turn causes the daughter to start describing herself as such. The scapegoat may find themselves being held responsible for behaviors or issues that belong to others such as taking care of other’s responsibilities, mistakes, or feelings.
Effects of Negative Projections on the Scapegoat:
Negative projections may distort the scapegoat’s self-image and identity formation by having long-lasting effects on their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. Codependent habits in thinking, feeling, and behaving are often reinforced within these families since compliance is rewarded while speaking up is punished. The constant barrage of blame and negative projection can lead to frustration, powerlessness, and an inability to defend oneself.
4. Unequal Treatment:
Scapegoats often receive differential treatment compared to other family members. Whether it’s being blamed for issues beyond their control or being disproportionately punished for minor infractions, the unequal treatment reinforces a sense of injustice and victimization. This unfair expectation creates constant no-win situations.
Effects of Unequal Treatment on the Scapegoat:
Unequal treatment may lead to resentment, frustration, and a perception that the scapegoat is singled out for punishment, leading to a perpetual sense of failure and helplessness. The scapegoat may come to believe they are inherently undeserving of fair treatment or destined to face obstacles and challenges. The negative internalized belief system becomes a significant barrier to cultivating a positive self-image and pursuing personal goals. It may significantly impact the scapegoat’s mental health, leading to feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and a deep sense of frustration.
5. Manipulation
Manipulation is another sign of scapegoating and a tool used within the family dynamic. Family members frequently use manipulation techniques to further marginalize and control the scapegoat. Some manipulation tactics include gaslighting and triangulation. Often, manipulation is attempted to get the scapegoat to comply with unrealistic demands or beliefs.
Effects of Manipulation on the Scapegoat:
Manipulation tactics, particularly gaslighting, can lead to confusion and self-doubt for the scapegoat. They may begin to question their own reality, leading to a sense of powerlessness and emotional distress. Manipulation can make the emotional burden the scapegoat is carrying more intense, which can exacerbate their emotional distress and result in feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. Manipulation often results in increased isolation for the scapegoat, as they may become more and more dependent on the manipulator(s) for validation or support.
6. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tool of manipulation and a severe form of psychological abuse. It is a highly manipulative and damaging sign of scapegoating within the family dynamic. Gaslighting tactics are used to make the scapegoat doubt their own reality, perception, and sanity. It is a particularly insidious form of emotional manipulation that can have profound effects on the scapegoat’s mental and emotional well-being.
Effects of Gaslighting on the Scapegoat:
Those who experience consistent gaslighting by others, especially children who grow up with parents who have a pattern of using gaslighting as a form of manipulation, have a high risk of mental health issues and relationship issues throughout their lifetime. Scapegoats who are gaslit tend to doubt their reality, lose trust in their judgment, lack confidence, and have low self-esteem. Those who experience gaslighting also experience emotional distress and are at higher risk of anxiety and depression. Additionally, these children are at high risk of being bullied and may continue to involve themselves in abusive relationships, always doubting their better judgment.
7. Triangulation
Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where a third party is introduced into the relationship or conflict to create tension, division, or confusion. The manipulator (often a parent or other family member) brings in a third person, who can be a friend, another family member, or even a professional, into the conflict or discussion, positioning them as an ally against the scapegoat. The manipulator(s) may present themselves as the victim and attempt to stir up conflict and disagreements to cause further confusion and distraction to align others with them against the scapegoat. Often, triangulation is a tactic used to divert attention away from the manipulator’s own dysfunctional actions or behaviors, as often seen in cases where child abuse is involved.
Effects of Triangulation on the Scapegoat:
The scapegoat may experience long-lasting effects on their self-esteem, self-worth, personality development, and ability to create trusting and meaningful relationships. Furthermore, they may experience betrayal trauma, which can cause long-lasting mental and emotional wounding. Manipulation further isolates and marginalizes the scapegoat.
Understanding the dynamics of being the family scapegoat is the first step toward healing and reclaiming one’s identity. Addressing the emotional and psychological wounds left behind in the aftermath of experiencing scapegoating is crucial. The scapegoat might also suffer from other types of trauma, such as physical and sexual abuse, in addition to the invisible trauma that comes with scapegoating. Healing from all forms of trauma, addressing the role of manipulation tactics used during scapegoating, setting boundaries with manipulators, and seeking support are crucial to the scapegoat’s healing journey.